Sunday, November 1, 2015
I read a fantastic book this past week about loss. It's called How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Someone recommended it to me with the caution that it was a bit cheesy. But ohmygod, it's fantastic and I absolutely love it. It's not cheesy, it's actually enjoyable to read and maybe even a little bit funny?
Anyways, here is a rundown of what happened in the book, and my little comments.
I think it was really cathartic to read, but I still have to do it myself. And I have to remind myself of that.
So this first excerpt was from a different book called The Highly Sensitive Person's Survival Guide. But it made so much sense in my life.
This is the way it starts and ohmygod, it's hilarious. Teeth? I mean, I never really thought about it, but okay. Losses are in multiple types.
This feeling is tantamount to most of my autumn and the start of school.
I keep forgetting that it's three steps forward, 5 steps back. I was promptly reminded of this a few days ago when I couldn't take everything anymore, and I just wanted to stop everything and get off. To just cut it all off and not take it anymore. But it's just a setback. It's a bumpy road.
It was recommended that we take a nap and rest up.
Absolutely. Yes. Yes. Yes. Having a schedule was amazing to helping pull myself out of this spiral into depression. I was sending the last few days up to the start of the quarter moping around and unable to pull myself out of the pit of sadness. But as soon as I went back to classes and loved them, it was like I was able to pull myself out again. It was fantastic.
Sometimes I still do this, staying awake until my body can't take it anymore, and then sleeping out of desperation and exhaustion. If I end up spiraling down and getting really sad, I get up and spend a few minutes either crying it out, or reading something to calm down. I can't go to bed grieving.
Yes yes yes again. As an HSP, I suck at decision-making. Add in grieving, and it's even worse. I make the wrong decisions in the moment, I hate it, then I start hating myself and it gets worse and worse.
I wish I had a bathtub.
Also yes to the change thing. I never do well with change in the first place, and big changes that involve emotions are the worst. Additional changes after that just keep compounding.
I repeat. I do not thrive on change.
Support Systems: helpful when they work, but also difficult to set up and ask for help. I have the bare bones of one, but it's really hard when people in different lives have their own changing lives to move around in. It's like a support system that also fluctuates under me.
Also, and this is purely a personality thing, sometimes I need them and I don't know how to say so.
I completely laughed out loud about this one. I mean, I guess, right?
Truer words were never said.
My weekends and nights are the hardest. I have to constantly keep myself occupied and looking forward to something.
THIS IS IMPORTANT.
Absolutely failed doing this. I don't know if this would be any better or worse if I had changed it though. Would it have carried on just as long? So I would rather not think about it.
Which is where I am now. Good God. Dammit.
Both of these are true. Grief is quiet and sneaks up on you. It's also loud and explosive and hurts like a punch in the stomach. It's hard to handle and impossible to predict.
I've been underreacting to everything, acting blase about it. And it isn't really any better.
And yes, I blame myself all the time. I grab hold onto the rational, logical explanations.
Yup. I don't want to wall myself off. But that is how I try to protect myself when I am over-sensitive. I don't know how to prevent either of those.
I don't know the difference between these. I really don't. How can you tell??
So. True. I would never have gotten anywhere without crying at all.
You can get ulcers from this?
I wish I was, and I look forward to when I am.
Quiet insanity is difficult because it's not loud enough to be noticed, but not quiet enough to pretend it doesn't exist.
Now you have two losses to mourn.
Someone finally said it.
Why isn't emotional pain as accepted as a physical pain? We worry over scrapes and offer bandaids, and sign casts and push wheelchairs. But what do we do with emotional pain? We hide it. We tell you to soldier on and man up. It absolutely sucks.
Reminder to self: pamper.
Two important things. Feel until you no longer feel. Don't force it.
I really think it should be forgive yourself first for grieving, and then forgive the other person if you can. Again, don't force it.
Hard to remember in the thick of it.
Two things that let me know I'm not there yet.
Two goals are to trust and love again.
Phones, my dear. Phones.
This was a really interesting thing. I never thought about focusing about making myself even better. It was always you have these positives, make yourself better. I always forget to make your positives better too.
I can't wait for this feeling. I remember it well.
Yes. What I have learned so far, absolutely.
That's That. Thanks for reading with me.